How to give back to yourself!

There’s something a guy I used to date used to say to me often: “You need to give back to yourself.”

At the time, I genuinely thought I was! I was doing all the self-care things — regular Reiki, massages, exercise, meditation… surely that counted, right?

But in hindsight, I realize now that I had no idea what he truly meant.

Unconscious people pleasing

Back then, I didn’t even realise the extent I was people pleasing. I thought I was being kind, generous, and helpful. I would bend and move my schedule around to fit other people’s needs. However, beneath the surface, my giving wasn’t always clean. There was an unconscious subtle energy running underneath it all — something like:

• “I’m giving to you… so that you’ll give back to me.”
• “I’m helping you… in the hope you’ll validate me, love me, see me, acknowledge me, choose me.”

Projecting emotional needs

I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time. But deep down, I had unmet emotional needs — for connection, safety, belonging, and love — and I was unknowingly projecting those needs onto the people around me. Especially those closest to me. It felt devastating, even embarrassing, to see this clearly for the first time. But as painful as that gut-punch was, it opened the door to something powerful.

I began to understand why I was people-pleasing. Where did this learned behaviour come from? What part of me was I protecting?

Having compassion for myself

Like many of us, my people-pleasing was really a protection mechanism. It’s not something I consciously decided to do. Rather, it was a learned behaviour from a young age (called fawning), to keep me safe, to avoid being abandoned, rejected, left out, and of feeling pain, hurt and grief. Keeping the peace was a way to avoid rocking the boat, and scary confrontation. It also stems from cultural expectations, societal conditioning, and of course, being a highly sensitive soul. 

Once I learned this about myself, the embarrassment and shame turned into compassion and a deep understanding. Giving to others is a beautiful quality, but from a place of overflow, not depletion. When we give from depletion, our energy leaks. Constantly.

Hole in the bucket

This was a wake-up call in my self-Reiki practice, too. I was taking care of my energy religiously… but my people-pleasing was acting like a hole in the bucket. All that energy work was being undone by the unconscious ways I was leaking energy through overgiving, over-accommodating, and hoping others would fill my cup for me.

The turning point

When I finally became conscious of what was happening, I started doing the real work:

• Rewiring my nervous system
• Learning to speak up and express myself
• Setting (and holding) clear boundaries
• Raising my standards for what I would and wouldn’t tolerate
• And most importantly, learning to meet my own needs

Protecting your energy is still important

This doesn’t mean cleansing and protecting your energy isn’t important – it most definitely is! But we want to do that energy work and have it count. Not for our high vibrational energy to be constantly compromised due to subconscious fears.

One of the most helpful tools in this process has been the framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It helped me understand what giving back to myself actually looks like — and I want to share that with you now.

The 3-Step Method for Giving Back to Yourself 

Step 1: What am I feeling?

Pause. Breathe. Tune in. Name your emotions, without judgement.

“I feel tired.”
“I feel angry.”
“I feel resentful.”

In Reiki, we understand that everything is energy — including emotions. And while no emotion is “bad,” emotions carry either high vibrational (positive) or low vibrational (negative) energy.

Positive emotions (joy, gratitude, peace, love) lift our vibration.
Negative emotions (sadness, frustration, fear, jealousy) drain it.

So when you’re feeling a negative emotion, it’s not something to ignore — it’s an energetic signal that something deeper is going on.

Step 2: What is the unmet need behind this feeling?

Here’s the golden key:

Positive emotions = your needs are being met.
Negative emotions = your needs are not being met.

We all have the same core human needs — to feel seen, heard, valued, safe, connected. But most of us never learned how to name those needs, let alone meet them. Instead, we project our unmet needs outward — usually onto the people closest to us. And if we’re not conscious of it, this becomes a source of deep pain, conflict, and energy depletion.

Example:

“I feel exhausted, angry, and overwhelmed… because I’ve been giving too much, and my own needs for rest, support, and fun are being ignored.”

Boom. You’ve just uncovered the unmet need.

Step 3: How can I meet this need myself, in a healthier way?

This is where the healing begins. This is true empowerment.

Instead of unconsciously hoping someone else will meet your needs (and resenting them when they don’t), you take back your power.

“What would it look like to meet my own need for rest?”
“How can I receive support in a way that doesn’t drain others — or myself?”
“What’s one thing I can do today to fill my own cup?”

How I Practise “Giving Back to Myself” Now

• Booking regular Reiki and bioresonance treatments to clear and replenish my energy field.
• Talking to my mentor and have someone else hold space for me.
• Journal, meditate, and practise self-Reiki to process emotions before they build up.
• Book holidays and breaks so I have something to look forward to.
• Communicate boundaries firmly but kindly — and I adjust them if they’re not respected.
• And I stay compassionate with myself every time I fall into old patterns — because this isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence.

How to give back to yourself – consciously 

This is what it means to truly give back to yourself. Not because social media tells you that you should book massages as an act of self love. But because you recognise that you’re feeling tired, sore and depleted, and have a need for physical co-regulation and human connection. Now, you’re booking a massage consciously to meet those needs. That conscious awareness and intention changes everything.

Final Thoughts: A Loving Reminder

If you find yourself emotionally triggered, overgiving, or depleted, it’s not a flaw, it’s a flag. A gentle nudge from your soul saying: “Something needs your attention.” And that “something” is probably you.

So take a breath. Tune in. Ask yourself what you need — and listen.

Want Support in Giving Back to Yourself?

If you’re ready to stop leaking energy through people-pleasing and start restoring your vitality from the inside out, I’d love to support you.

You can:

• Book a Reiki Healing or Reiki + Coaching session to clear your energy and explore the deeper emotional patterns underneath.
• Join me for Reiki Level 1 on October 4–5, 2025, if you’d like to learn how to work with energy and emotions for yourself — for life.

✨ You deserve to receive as much as you give. And giving back to yourself is the first step.✨