The truth beneath people pleasing

The truth beneath people pleasing is not easy to hear. For most of my life, people pleasing was just part of who I was. I genuinely cared about people, and wanted to help. As an empath, I could feel other people’s pain and suffering. I thought my habit of bending over backwards for others—always making time for them, always prioritising them over me—was a reflection of how big my heart was. How loving and connected I was. 

But what I didn’t realise for the longest time…is that people pleasing wasn’t about connection at all. It was a wound in disguise. A deep seated, unconscious, fear of abandonment and rejection.

When Over-Giving Is Actually Self-Abandonment

In all honesty, way back, I didn’t even realise I was over giving. When I finally became aware of it, I thought my giving came from a healthy place. I was happy to cancel my gym class in favour of catching up with a friend in need (who would only talk about themselves and never ask about me). I wanted to pay for others (even when they didn’t reciprocate). And I tried by best to squeeze in another client, even when my body was screaming for rest—because how could I possibly let someone sit in pain if I could help?

What I couldn’t see back then is that I was abandoning myself to keep others close.

My needs? What?

I ignored my own needs. I didn’t even know what my needs were, because I was so fixated on meeting everyone else’s. And over time, this pattern left me chronically burnt out, emotionally depleted, and confused about why my relationships often felt one-sided… or why those people would eventually drift away. It really hurt.

But the deeper hurt was realising that I was doing it all in the hope that someone—anyone—would finally choose me back.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Energy

Here’s the part that really knocked the wind out of me: My people pleasing wasn’t just about being nice. Energetically, it was actually a form of manipulation.

Not in a malicious or conscious way—but in a deeply unconscious, wounded way. Because underneath the giving and the helping and the “I’m just trying to be a good friend or partner” energy… Was a desperate, hidden plea: “Please don’t leave me.”

I was unknowingly trying to secure love, safety, and connection by doing more—hoping that if I could be enough for others, they’d never abandon me. But energetically, that doesn’t feel good to be around. It’s suffocating and needy. It drains people.

And here’s the hardest truth I had to swallow: I was being an energy vampire.

Wait, Me? An Energy Vampire?

It felt brutal to admit. Brutal.

When we hear “energy vampire,” we often think of narcissists, manipulators, or loud, controlling personalities. But energy vampirism can be subtle. Quiet. Even well-intentioned.

People pleasers are often the most invisible energy vampires—because they don’t realise their giving comes from a wounded place. They believe they’re just being loving, generous, helpful. And they are…
But the underlying energy is often transactional.

“If I give to you, you’ll give back to me.”
“If I help you, you’ll help me too.”
“If I abandon myself for you, maybe you won’t abandon me.”

Oomph. It’s a LOT to sit with. And it takes radical self-honesty to see.

So What Do We Do With This Awareness?

We don’t shame it. We don’t guilt ourselves for past behaviours. Instead, we understand it. Because every people pleaser was once a child who learned that being “good,” helpful, or needed was the best way to receive love and stay safe. And at their core, they are a human being, with an unmet need—someone who never learned how to meet it within themselves. Once we bring that into the light…We can start to heal it.

Your Wounds Are Not Your Identity

Healing from people pleasing doesn’t mean you stop caring about others. It means you start caring about yourself just as much—if not more. It means you tune into your needs, your boundaries, your energy levels. You stop giving to others from a place of fear and obligation, and instead fill up your own cup first, then give from the overflow. And you start relating to others from a place of wholeness—not a place of emptiness trying to be filled.

You begin to connect not because you need someone to validate your worth…But because you already know you’re worthy. 

The Nervous System, The Ego, and the Fear of Expansion

Let’s go deeper. When we try to change this pattern—when we stop people pleasing, set boundaries, say no—our nervous system often freaks out. The ego panics. “Wait! This is dangerous! If you stop pleasing them, they might leave! You might be rejected again! That’s not safe!”

So it triggers resistance. Procrastination. Overthinking. Even physical pain or illness.

But that’s not a sign to stop. That’s a sign you’re finally stretching beyond the old pattern. You’re meeting the edge of your old programming. And you’re choosing to rewrite it. Now THAT takes some serious courage, bravery and grit.

The truth beneath people pleasing

Healing people pleasing isn’t about becoming cold, hard, or distant. It’s not about putting walls up so high that no-one can access your energy. It’s about becoming so rooted in self-love that your connections are no longer based on fear.

It’s not about giving less. It’s about giving from fullness—not from lack. And when you do, you’ll find the deep, soul-nourishing connections you’ve been craving. Not by bending over backwards for others. But by standing firm in your truth.

Need support?

If you resonate with this, know that you’re not alone. This journey of healing and energetic sovereignty is one I walk too—and it’s the heart of the work I share. I offer private 1:1 Reiki + Coaching sessions where you can speak your truth, and together we can work on overcoming subconscious blocks. Through Reiki healing, we work on regulating your energy and nervous system. You can book in for a Reiki + Coaching session here. And if you’re wanting to go deeper, check out my upcoming Reiki Courses here! 

You’re not alone, you always have support, and you can do this. I’ve got you.