Struggling To Relax?

A client said something to me recently – she was struggling to relax and turn her mind off. 

She told me how much she loves coming in for Reiki, not just because of the energy work itself, but because it gives her permission to lie down and be still.

In her everyday life, she’s constantly on the go. Working, solving problems, responding to messages, taking care of others. Her mind is always thinking about the next thing that needs to be done, and her body simply follows along.

But when she lies down on the Reiki table, something changes. She doesn’t have to do anything. She doesn’t have to be anything. She can just be held.

“For the first time all week,” she said, “my body can finally switch off.”

Then she paused, and added quietly, “I didn’t realise how tired I was until I stopped.”

That moment stayed with me, because it reflects something I see so often. So many people are living in a state of constant activation, and they don’t even realise it’s happening.

Nervous system wiring starts in childhood

This client, Lucy, grew up in a home where on the surface, everything looked fine. Her dad was a hard worker. He was consistent, reliable, and he believed in doing your best, in working hard, and in achieving goals. When Lucy did well at school, he praised her. He was proud of her.

She loved that feeling. It made her feel safe and warm on the inside.

So she kept achieving.

What Lucy didn’t fully understand at the time was that her nervous system was quietly wiring itself to believe something very specific: ‘When I perform, I am safe, and, ‘when I meet and achieve my goals, I am validated, I belong and I receive love and praise.’

Children are little vibe-machines

Her mother, on the other hand, carried a different kind of energy. She had lived through her own trauma. Her childhood had been unpredictable, and she had never fully felt safe in her own home. She didn’t talk about it, and preferred to block it out as much as possible.

But Lucy felt this energy, even if she didn’t understand entirely what she was feeling. Children are like little energy vibe machines, with antennae for potential threats. They don’t always listen to what you say. But they definitely sense how you feel. 

Lucy became hyper-aware. She could sense something was off, even when on the outside, everything looked normal and completely fine. It was confusing for her – she couldn’t work out why she felt the way she did.

Active nervous system feels safer

Over time, she learned that it was best not to rock the boat. Instead, it was safer to focus on getting good grades, and doing the ‘right thing’ to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy.

Her nervous system learned it had to stay on…just in case. She wasn’t doing it consciously, just like her mum wasn’t conscious of her internal nervous system either. Lucy (and her mum) just learned to adapt to their environments in order to stay safe.

And it worked…for awhile.

Childhood to Adulthood

Lucy was now an adult and had built a career, a life and had a family. She did everything “right.”

But her nervous system never stood down – because it never learned how. And in all honesty? Since having a baby, it had actually gotten worse. Lucy always had multiple jobs on the go, she was always busy, always productive. She had a to-do list the length of her arm. 

But even at the end of the day, or on a Sunday, or even on holidays, she still found she couldn’t relax. She felt guilty, or restless, or agitated.  Rest didn’t feel like rest – it actually felt scary. So while her nervous system was switched on and she felt ‘safer’ because she was always primed for a potential threat, her body was paying the price

Struggling to relax, illness and dis-ease

She was struggling to rest, hit burnout regularly, and was always battling illness and dis-ease. She never got enough sleep. Her nervous system had been living on adrenaline for so long that it didn’t remember how to live any other way.

And here’s the kicker – she thought this was just her personality! She thought this was just how she was, that she couldn’t change because this was in-built into her DNA. She was always like this…that’s just how some people are ‘made’. 

Yes. ‘Made’ through learned behavioural adaptations to unconscious perceived threats, and dysregulated parental nervous systems. 

Lucy’s daughter, Sabrina

When Lucy comes to me for Reiki, she always talks about her daughter, Sabrina. It’s clear she loves her daughter very much. But she’s also worried – she’s noticing Sabrina is acting up, crying all the time, and having tantrums that just seem to come out of nowhere. 

Lucy told me once, “I don’t understand. I never show her when I’m stressed, why is she acting this way?”

While it’s probably true that Lucy is not outwardly showing her daughter she is stressed, her daughter is a little vibe-machine, and is picking up on Lucy’s energy. 

How generational patterns occur

When Lucy is stressed, whether she says anything out loud or not, her daughter is wired to co-regulate with her. Children seek safety with their primary caregivers. If Lucy’s nervous system is dysregulated…this has the result of making Sabrina feel on edge and tense too.

The biggest problem? Lucy is both Sabrina’s cause of being on edge and anxiousness…and her go-to when she feels unsafe. This push-pull dynamic often leads to a dysregulated attachment style both in childhood, and in later life too.

Children co-regulate with their parents

Children are wired to co-regulate with their parents. Their little bodies are unable to regulate themselves when they are young, so they look to their primary caregivers to provide safety and comfort.

But what happens when their primary caregiver is dysregulated themselves? The child cannot find comfort and safety…leading to feelings of confusion, anxiety, and constantly being on edge. 

This is not a conscious process, but rather an unconscious, biological process. Little Sabrina is just learning what Lucy learned. To stay alert, stay attuned, stay on.

The cycle is continuing.

Not because Lucy is doing anything wrong. But because nervous systems pass patterns down unconsciously and in silence…until someone breaks the cycle.

The Moment Lucy’s Body Finally Stopped

The first time Lucy had a Reiki session, she didn’t say much afterwards. She just lay there. Still. Eventually she opened her eyes and said, very quietly, “I didn’t know my body was holding that much.”

That’s the thing about chronic nervous system activation. It becomes invisible. You don’t realise just how tense you are until the tension leaves. You don’t realise how tired you are until you rest. You don’t realise how much you’ve been in survival mode… until your body actually experiences what it’s like to actually be in a restful state.

Reiki to heal your nervous system

When Lucy’s nervous system stopped — even just for an hour — something changed.

She started realising how dysregulated she actually was. She started to recognise the importance of this work – of learning how to regulate her nervous system, not just for herself, but her child and the rest of her family. She realised how her nervous system being on was affecting her sleep, her health, and even her work output. 

Breaking the cycle

Once Lucy realised this, she was committed to doing the work. Not by ‘doing’ more, but through awareness, and actually practicing real rest. 

She started coming in for regular Reiki healing sessions. She prioritised these sessions. Before, her self care was ‘when she could fit it in’. Now, she moved her schedule around her Reiki sessions. Because she finally understood this cycle needed to stop. 

No-one was going to do it for her. But with the right support, and the right tools, she slowly made progress. Every time I saw her she felt more calm, more centered, and she had had more realisations about herself, her work, and her family too.

Regulating your nervous system doesn’t change overnight. It’s a practice, a daily choice of slowing down, deep breathing, and understanding the importance of this work.

Ready to do the work?

If you see yourself in Lucy – struggling to relax, always holding everything together, and never fully switching off – this may be your nervous system asking for support.

Reiki & Energy Alchemy sessions help your nervous system release the patterns it learned in survival mode, so your body can finally experience what it feels like to rest.

Ready to book in? You can book online here.

PS I’ll be stepping away for training from March 18th for a couple of weeks, so if you’re ready to try Reiki healing to reset your nervous system, I’d recommend booking in advance.